The Mirror of Self-Regulation: Moving From Understanding to Mastery
Last week, I invited a friend and his teenage son, Cooper, to dinner. Cooper proved to be a brilliant young man with quite a lot to say—and I mean a lot. We got to witness every thought and opinion whizz through his Turbo Thinker brain and come out of his mouth. None of us had even a nanosecond to interject and participate. I honestly don’t know how he managed to eat at the same time. Ah yes, he covered his mouth with a napkin while he chewed and continued speaking.
A few weeks earlier, I’d attended an evening networking event for ADHD coaches where I witnessed another Turbo Thinker’s brain operating at warp speed, narrating thoughts out loud in a fascinating but dizzying display that left little room for others to contribute. Again, brilliant brainstorming ideas! Yet no one else in the group had a chance to weigh in and before we knew it, time was up. What conclusions did we draw? Who was going to do what by when? We had long list of ideas, but where was the plan to execute any of them? We were all exhausted, ready to go home.
Both moments reminded me of something we don’t talk about enough: the difference between understanding our unique Turbo Thinking brain and managing it.
When Understanding Meets Responsibility
We’ve made tremendous progress in understanding neurodiversity. We recognize that our Turbo Thinker brains operate differently—sometimes beautifully, sometimes challengingly.
On the emotional side, we acknowledge the reality of emotional dysregulation—those moments when our feelings feel too big, too intense, or too overwhelming to manage. We understand how quickly we can shift from calm to frustrated, how rejection sensitivity can turn minor feedback into major emotional storms, and how our nervous systems can feel perpetually activated.
On the productivity and executive function side, we recognize different challenges: the way our attention can hyperfocus on the wrong things at the wrong times, how we grapple with time management and organization, how we can have brilliant ideas but struggle to execute them systematically. We understand how our symptoms can ebb and flow across our lifespan depending on environment, stress levels, and circumstances.
We also acknowledge medication battles—how finding the right medication and dosage can be a complex journey, and how even with medication, we still need to develop skills and strategies.
This understanding is crucial. It’s compassionate. It’s necessary.
But does our understanding of why we do something change our responsibility for how we show up?
The Space Between Understanding and Excusing
We understand neurodiversity and ADHD. We can identify when someone is a Turbo Thinker. We can be compassionate about their struggles.
But we don’t need to accept inconsiderate behavior from adults, regardless of their neurotype.
For example, I understand that you have allergies and hay fever, and I genuinely sympathize with how miserable that must feel. But that doesn’t mean you need to sneeze and spray without covering your mouth or offering an apology. If you know you’ll be walking through a wildflower patch, maybe you plan ahead. Maybe you take your allergy medication. Maybe you bring tissues and turn your head when you feel a sneeze coming. At the very least, you acknowledge when your symptoms affect others.
Imagine we’re at a dinner table or networking event. One person dominates the conversation, narrating their thoughts without pause, asking rapid-fire questions without waiting for answers, or sharing in ways that leave others feeling invisible.
We might think, “Oh, I get it. Their brain works differently. They can’t help it.” What if we asked: “How might this situation be different if this person had greater awareness of how their brain operates? How might it be different for everyone else at the table? How might it be different for them? What becomes possible when we have the ability to pause and pump the brakes on our turbo thinking brain?”
Managed vs. Unmanaged ADHD
There’s a distinction worth exploring between managed and unmanaged ADHD. We’re either developing our ability to regulate our thoughts, actions, and emotions—or we’re not.
This isn’t about perfection. It’s not about masking our true authentic selves or pretending to be neurotypical. It’s about learning to conduct the music of our ADHD, transforming what might feel like cacophony (for ourselves and for others) into symphony.
What does this look like in practice? It might mean noticing that I have held the floor for long enough. Catching the impulsive thought before it comes out of my mouth. Trusting that if it is important enough, it will come back to me when I need it. Pausing to ask a question of someone who has been quiet.
We have Turbo Thinking brains like a Formula 1 vehicle. The car isn’t broken—it’s actually quite remarkable. But learning to handle its power, to know when to accelerate and when to brake, to navigate different road conditions—that’s the skill we develop over time.
The Mirror We Need
Sometimes we need an outside person to act as a mirror, reflecting what others see that we cannot see ourselves. This isn’t about judgment—it’s about awareness. Even as a seasoned coach, I can’t see myself as others do.
What might become possible when we’re aware of how our behavior affects others? Of how it affects us? What opens up when we understand how our runaway thoughts impact our relationships, our work, our sense of confidence?
Many of my coaching clients have been able to make this shift. They don’t lose their brilliance, their creativity, or their unique perspectives. Instead, they gain something precious: the ability to choose how they show up. Awareness, acceptance, accommodations and action. They know what they need to best support themselves in any given situation.
Mastery as Self-Respect
Managing our ADHD isn’t about conforming to others’; expectations—it’s about self- respect. It’s about deserving to feel confident in any setting. It’s about honoring both our authentic selves and our relationships.
Maybe, like me, you didn’t know about your ADHD until adulthood. Maybe you’ve grieved thinking about all the years—possibly decades—when life could have been different. Maybe you’ve wondered: “How could my life have been better if I had only known?”
With a collaborator or coach, we have a mirror to see. We have tools to develop: strategies, structure and supports as accommodations for our brain type. We have the opportunity to co-create our path to mastery.
Coming Full Circle
Although I aspire to practice mastery as a coach at all times—modeling self-regulation in both my personal and professional life—I’m also human. Sometimes I’m simply “off the clock” observing rather than coaching, letting my mind fill with wonder at the fascinating ways our brains work.
And sometimes I wonder later: Should I have said something in that moment? Should I have gently reflected what I was observing? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Not everyone invites the conversation. Not everyone is ready for feedback about their impact on others.
Like Cooper at the dinner table, or the brilliant brainstormer at the networking event, they will return when they’re ready. They will seek out a coach or mentor when they recognize that understanding their ADHD and managing it are two different things. The question isn’t whether they’ll be ready—it’s whether we’ll be ready to support them when they are.
How do you know when you’re ready? When you start asking not just “Why do I do this?’ but “How can I do this differently?”
Questions for Reflection
What might shift in your relationships if you approached self-regulation not as conformity, but as self-respect?
How do you currently distinguish between understanding your ADHD and managing it?
Where do you see opportunities for growth?
What would it look like to honor both your authentic Turbo Thinker self and your impact on others?
If you’re a coach, how are you modeling ADHD management for your clients? What message does your own journey send about what’s possible?
The Journey Continues
We all have imperfect days. We all have moments when our ADHD feels more challenging to manage. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. It’s developing the awareness and skills to choose how we show up, moment by moment.
We all deserve to feel confident in any setting. We deserve relationships where we can be authentically ourselves while also being considerate of others. We deserve to move through the world knowing that we’re not at the mercy of our brain’s impulses, but learning to dance with them.
The mirror of self-regulation shows us not who we should be, but who we’re becoming.
And that journey of becoming? It’s worth every step.