Overcoming a Turbo Thinker© Challenge: How to Ask for Help
One of our greatest challenges as Turbo Thinkers© is asking for help. Through coaching, I work with my clients on, first, developing awareness of how their unique ADHD brain works. Step two is acceptance that we are wired differently and can make our lives a lot easier with the right support. Three is identifying which accommodations specifically are going to help us. What types of support do we need in the form of actual tools or people? How will we collaborate, delegate, automate, and eliminate to achieve more ease, efficiency, and efficacy? Finally, we have to ask for that support. This is the hardest step of all.
1 - awareness, 2 - acceptance, 3 - accommodations, and 4 - ask.
Why Asking for Help Is So Hard for Turbo Thinkers
Why is it that most Turbo Thinkers don’t want to ask for help, and why is this extra hard with ADHD? Research shows we underestimate the chances someone will support us when we ask them by nearly 50 percent. Some of the reasons we don’t ask for help: We think it shows weakness. We believe we should be able to do it on our own. We are often perfectionists who think no one can do it as well as we can. We’re afraid of rejection – and with our brain type, we can be extra sensitive to rejection. It can feel like physical pain.
Maybe we feel shame. What if our expertise comes into question? God forbid others find out that we don’t know it all. Maybe we don’t like owing favors; we feel indebted if we ask for one. We don’t want to be seen as needy or become a burden to someone else.
Sometimes I need to remind my clients of their unique skills. One is an incredible composer, lyricist, and guitarist, yet he’s afraid to ask for help with technology. He thinks he should be able to set up and synchronize his calendar, schedule appointments, and handle all sorts of tedious technical tasks. But we can’t be experts on everything! We wouldn’t expect our plumber to be an expert in making lasagna, and we wouldn’t expect our Italian grandmother to be an expert in fixing the toilet.
In this DIY culture, most of my clients would rather spend hours on YouTube trying to figure something out, making mistakes and starting over, than picking up the phone and asking for a favor.
Another reason it’s hard for us to ask for help is a limiting belief psychologists call the “illusion of transparency” – the belief that our thoughts, feelings, and needs are obvious to other people. We stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs, and spontaneously offer to help. This is a bad assumption; even the people closest to us struggle to know what we need. How many relationships struggle because we expect our partner to be telepathic?
If we need help, we’re going to have to ask for it – out loud. Studies show that 90% of the help coworkers give their colleagues is in response to explicit requests. You’re going to have to actually speak the words “I need your help.” And you’re going to ask in person. Studies show that we’re over 30 times more likely to get a yes when we ask for help live rather than through text or email.
The Benefits of Asking for Help
What happens when we overcome our discomfort and ask for help? We find solutions faster. We get others vested in our problem. We create stronger bonds with other people. We demonstrate intellectual humility, which is healthy and normal. We experience improved mental health through connection to others.
What many of us don’t realize is that giving help is actually one of the most reliable sources of self-esteem and well-being that human beings have. Psychologists call it “the warm glow of helping.” When we ask for help, we’re not just solving our problem – we’re creating an opportunity for someone else to experience this positive feeling.
Asking for help is truly a win-win. When I ask you for help, I’m creating a situation where you get to feel fantastic, and I get the help I need. It’s one of the few true win-wins out there, and it builds reciprocal relationships where we can return to people again and again for support.
Loners carry heavy weight – nobody succeeds in a vacuum. We need to rely on each other for support and collaboration to be successful. When you have a relationship with someone, helping each other is natural. It’s how we show one another that we care. We want relationships, not transactions.
How to Ask for Help Effectively
Now comes the hard part: how to ask for help. We need to be clear and specific about what we need help with. Instead of asking for five things, how can we limit it to the one most important thing?
Here’s what works:
Ask in person (If this is not possible, try video or phone for a live call.)
Be very specific about what you want and why (no one wants to give bad help!)
Avoid disclaimers, apologies, or bribes (these make the other person uncomfortable)
• Thank them regardless of their response
• Follow up with gratitude and the impact their help had
When we apologize excessively for asking for help, we actually diminish the joy the helper gets from assisting us. As one expert put it: “How am I supposed to feel good about helping you when you feel so terrible about asking for help? You make it weird and take the joy out of the moment for me as a helper.”
Examples:
A: “Um, Ted, I really hate to bother you, and I know you’re probably super busy—way busier than I am—so if it’s not too much trouble, and you have any spare time at all, could you maybe, like, sort of help me with my presentation? I totally understand if you can’t, and I don’t want to impose, but I’ d really appreciate any little bit of help if you can.”
B: Hey Ted, I’m putting together a 12-slide presentation. Could you quickly review it and tell me three areas I can improve? It’ll take about 10 minutes, and I’d really appreciate your feedback”
The second approach is clear, specific, respectful of time constraints, and doesn’t diminish the request with apologies.
Most of my clients ask for help over email or text and then wonder why they never get positive results. They choose digital because it’s less awkward. You know what else is less awkward over email? Saying no! We want to ask for help ideally face-to-face. The second option is FaceTime or Zoom. As a last resort, use the phone as a phone so you can hear the other person’s voice in a live call.
When someone helps you and they say yes, follow up afterward. What’s rewarding about helping isn’t the act itself but knowing the help had an impact and was effective.
The Root Challenge: Feeling Unworthy
A line I hear often in coaching is “but I have no one to ask.” This is uttered with total despair and sadness. This happens when we feel unworthy – a deeper challenge for many with ADHD. We tend to isolate ourselves, thinking no one will help us. We see ourselves as insignificant and unimportant. We convince ourselves we don’t have any “real” friends.
But what are the facts, and what is the story? How do we question these assumptions? Who decides our worthiness? What if others already do see us as worthy? I was that person too before coaching. I thought nobody (except my mother and maybe one dog) was in my corner. I felt alone despite having a full house of family and a career full of colleagues. Yet over the years, I had created my own walls. Those walls didn’t let anyone in – they protected me from getting hurt. Letting anyone in felt scary.
However, those same walls also couldn’t let myself out. I had imprisoned myself and denied myself permission to enjoy connections and relationships. The whole world was out there waiting! Most people were friendly – just not telepathic. What if we assumed good intent in others?
In the end, what do we have to lose? If we don’t ask, we do it alone. If we ask and the answer is no, we do it alone. If we ask and the answer is yes, then we get help and feel happier!
From Fear to Possibility
When I first started coaching, I worked with students on improving their academic performance. One day, John asked if we could work on something different – the high school prom. His mom was pressuring him to go, but he wanted to skip it. There was a girl, Marion, that he liked, but he was too nervous to ask her. So he figured it was easier to stay home than risk rejection.
By the end of our session, John had built up his confidence. He left ready to ask Marion to the prom, realizing he had nothing to lose. If he didn’t ask, he’d stay home. If he asked and she said no, he’d stay home. The worst-case scenario was his current reality.
The following week, I asked how it went. “Did you ask Marion to the prom?”
John smiled sheepishly. “Actually, no, I didn’t get the chance.”
“Tell me what happened” I said.
He grinned. “I guess I must’ve come across as really confident after our session, because another girl, Emily, actually asked me out! Now I’m going with her. Honestly, Emily is way out of my league – I never thought something like this would happen. It’s kind of crazy, don’t you think?”
Sometimes the best-case scenario in our minds is really just a good scenario. Sometimes our brain is incapable of imagining the best-case scenario. What if we gave ourselves the chance to let things play out? Something even better beyond our imagination might await us.
It all begins with believing we are worthy. We are worthy of something great – something even greater than what our imaginations allow us to see.
Moving Forward with the Four A’s
So when we need help, let’s ask for it out loud. Let’s do it in a way that increases our chances of getting a yes and makes the other person feel fabulous for helping us. This builds confidence, creates connections, and strengthens relationships.
Remember the Four A’s:
Awareness of how our unique brain works
Acceptance that we need and deserve help
Accommodations that specifically address our needs
Ask – the crucial step that unlocks possibility
What would change in your life if you embraced asking for help instead of struggling alone? How might your relationship with others transform if you viewed asking for help as a strength rather than a weakness? What adventure might be waiting for you on the other side of “I need your help”?